Couch car

So yeah we played with the beetle. Go it high. Got high.

It started moving around. I got some leaves and twigs and found cardboard and made him an itty bitty house. It was so beautiful. I swear I would be an awesome architect. And builder.

So I start stroking the top of its body then Casey had to come in and play with it.

He said it's name was Elmer. And I said, "I thought we had discussed that his name was Phil." Then he said. "Let's call it phlegm, you know. Like Phil and Elmer.

And I agreed because it sounded pretty bad ass.

So we decide to ride the truck outside with the couch on it because my sister had moved out of her condominium.

My nephew decided to come along and we were sitting at the back of the truck. It was so much fun.

Around the village we went. We saw the people in the basketball court having a game. Pink versus Blue. Light Blue. It looked so gay. But whatever.

We see my baby brother with his friend and they ask if they can hop in. I said Hell yeah come join us.

Then as we drive again we see more of Manu's friends. Until the end of the car ride we had 6 kids at the back of the truck with us. It was awesome.

My nephew wanted to play some more, but my sister said the gas will be wasted.

Then I turned off the car, and my nephew grabs the keys and starts running away from me.

There I was 6:00 in the evening running after a little fat boy with the keys in his hand.

He was having the time of his life. I was high then and it was so confusing. I could see 2 little fat boys.

I come in and finally retrieve it. I'm here in the bedroom, leaving to buy Kentucky fried chicken.

The Beetles

I slept around 5:30 AM because I couldn't sleep.

My sister made me transfer to a different room because she wanted to fix the room.

I went to my moms room and slept like a baby only my nephew kept barging in making so much noise.

I kept nagging him for making so much noise while I was trying to sleep again.

I eventually fell asleep and woke up at 1:30 PM.

I try to practice putting on make up because I can't put on make up to save my life.

It turned out okay I guess. My sister said I looked kind of like "it" the evil clown.

I washed it off, took a shower, my older sister comes back home.

Since my nanny is sick and is on vacation we had to help around the house.

I swept the leaves outside and I was having so much fun.

I never thought I'd enjoy doing that.

But I did.

When I was almost done, Casey comes in and puts a beetle inside my shirt from the back.

It went something like this.

Casey: Hey Nikki

Nikki: What Casey

(Casey puts beetle in my shirt)

Nikki: JESUS CHRIST!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT GET IT OFF ME!!!! HELP MEEE!!! GET IT OUTTT!!!! AHHH!!!!

Casey: HAHAHAHAHA

I get it out and put it on the ground and run after Casey around the house with the fucking broom. He jumps around like a ninja. He's more ninja than I am which sucks so he ran out the house and I tried closing the door but he ran and opened it and he hit my hand. And it hurt.

I came back outside knowing it was pointless running after him, he'd outrun me anyway.

I see the beetle and see that it isn't moving. I start poking it with a stick. It was fun.

But I felt bad when I thought it was dead. I then started digging a hole giving it a proper burial.

Casey comes out and bends down next to me and says "Nikki, it isn't dead. It's a sleeping beetle. See" Then it starts moving and I felt so much better. Then we sat down and I said.

"Let's name it bugs." then he said "Haha it would be so funny if someone asks "Whats the name of your bug, it's bugs" hahaha And I said that would be awesome but now I wanna name it Phil.

Well whatever. And now Im hear. Awesome beetles. Awesome. And now casey is making a J and is trying to get Phil high. We're gonna go see what he'd do. He'd probably sleep like the lazy ass beetle it is. Sleeping beetle. Psh. Not so bad ass. Well. Later, trying to get Phil high.

Word vommit at it's finest

They say that everytime you whistle, the wind will come. Whether it's on a hot summer's day or not, the wind will hear you and blow stronger than it had before. Sadly, I can't whistle, so I had never really tested this presumption. I snuck out once more because I needed a cigarette break from the stressful day I had just had and I noticed how cold it was. I ignored it because I just needed to get away from the house for a few minutes. I look up and am amazed by how big and full the moon was tonight. It looked so beautiful with the clouds crowding around it. I go further down the road and sit on my usual spot by the road just to stare at the moon. I begin to wonder if Neil Armstrong's foot steps still made their mark on it. Had it been stepped on by some extra terrestial being that had happened to pass? Hell, I don't know. Let's not go there. I don't feel like going all Steven Spielberg on my blog. I squint my eyes a bit wondering if it were possible to see that small red dot of the United States flag on it. Idiot. How the hell would I be able to see that, when even the great walls of China are hardly visible from the moon. I take out my cigarette and try lighting it, but the damn wind was against me. Stupid wind, I didn't even whistle. When finally I was able to light it, I breathed in deeply and blew all the smoke away. I hear the tinkling of the wind chimes in my neighbors house. It wasn't very pleasant because it was eerily quiet outside and I felt the paranoia sweeping through me thinking that someone was watching me. Then I realized that I don't care if they did. We shouldn't really care about what other people think about us. We aren't the center of their universe. Today was hell for me, literally, it was one of the worst days of my life. My laptop has stored all of my the important documents I need and, well, my whole life was in my laptop. And this morning it suddenly decided that it didn't care about the crap that was in it and it had stopped working. I tried everything obviously. I was beyond aggravated because I really wanted to salvage all of my files. Sadly, the only way for my laptop to work again was if I reformatted it. I had brought it to the computer shop before, and they had done the same thing. So yeah, I was fucked. I was depressed all morning, downloading all the programs that I could, and it all took forever to download. To make matters worse, my mom flips out on me getting angry with me for things that weren't even my fault to begin with. I'm not being biased at all, she was completely out of line. It was pretty hot this morning and the air conditioning was broken so I had to work under the heat. This of course made me even more cranky than I was before. My maids were watching television and complaining about the celebrities of how fat they had gotten and how they couldn't dance. I didn't really want to tell them to shut it off, they had been working hard all morning, why would I take away the simple pleasure of watching television away from them? I had to work while celebrities sang off key to popular songs that have been killed by radio stations because of how much they play it. My sisters had gone out to the mall to hang out and I was left at home to work because of the documents I had been working on all week had been erased. I missed a concert that I was suppose to watch with my best friends Angie and Karla because of it. I would have gone if I had known my laptop would do this to me. So yeah, my day was shit. To make matters worse, the guy I really like just vanishes. Literally, vanishes, the second he tells me he would. Leaves me with my problems of trying to recover my files. This. is. the life. How come we are being asked to do papers that I probably wouldn't even remember in the future? Writing papers on useless crap that nobody really gives a damn about. We're all really just doing it because of the grade. That's all that really matters. Passing all the papers, which I'm pretty sure, aren't even read. Probably skimmed through, and judging it by its length and marking it as Checked. Is that what life is all about? I should really stop thinking about shit like this. They only give me head aches. I already did have one before thinking about it, I don't really want to make it worse. Right now, I'm suppose to be working on my paper, but I prefer to write all of this down before I forget. Sometimes I don't get why he even talks to me when I do all the talking anyway and he'd give me brief answers.

I was literally shaking because of how cold it was, but then, I could be wrong because I was dumb enough to come out of the house in a tank top and shorts at 1:00 AM, especially when it's been raining lately and the winds are usually colder at night. But I didn't really care, I needed that break from it all. I hear a party happening at the house down the street, I am envious of how stress-free they must be. But I guess I can't really say that because, you can't really know what people are going through just by looking at them. For all I know they could have been having money problems or problems at work and they just wanted to forget about them for the night. Lucky them. I would be finished soon anyway. Not just my paper, but college. I'm over joyed and saddened at the same time that I am almost graduating. Im happy because it'll almost all be over. But sad because, then I'd have to enter the real world. I'd have to work and provide for myself. I would have to leave my friends at school too. Sometimes I think about staying a little while longer at college, but then I thought, why prolong the agony of having to study when I could just get everything over with? I turn out my cigarette and light another. Perhaps it would be best if I started walking up the street towards my house. I didn't feel like it was safe to be walking around alone this late. I lean on a post and accidentally collide my cigarette with a bush and automatically say sorry. It made me think about what my friend Tom had told me. I had asked him about his religious beliefs and he had told me that he was atheist. I had been doubting a lot lately and I had asked him why he was atheist. He told me that he took a Philosophy class that made sense out of things. It makes me wonder, why they teach us not to believe? I tell him what have we got to lose if we believe in God? He tells me that we lose our autonomous thought, free will, ability to live and experience different things. He even quoted Nietszche saying that "it makes humanity weak and defenseless, and makes them bow to the commands of an unknown leader" What he said actually made sense. I take another puff and blow it all away and throw it on the ground and went back inside to do more paper work even if all I really want to do right now is sleep, or probably stay outside for a little while longer. But it won't feel right either because even if I did relax for awhile outside, I'd still think about all the work waiting for be when I go back inside. Might as well get it over with.

Cat talk

Did you know that all stars die at one point of their existence? They begin to run out of fuel, the center part of the star shrinks while the outer part expands thus turning them into a red giant or a super giant. It usually depends on the mass of the star and sometimes it either becomes a white dwarf, a neutron star, or a black hole. Stars are a lot like us, at some point in our lives, we all die. Our goal in life is to brighten up other people's lives. Make their lives easier. Contribute to the society. The stars give us light when it's dark, they are something beautiful to look at that would make us smile. The only thing I envy about stars is that, they know what their fate would be. They would either be a red giant or a white dwarf, even a black hole. We don't know where we would be when it's our time, we wouldn't know what would be happening in 5 years or 10. I go upstairs and get my jacket, my cigarettes and my lighter and check the time. It's 10:56PM.

I go inside my bedroom and turn on the light and as quietly as possible, sneak out of the house so I could go out and smoke. I leave the door unlocked when I go out. As I walk down the street, I don't know what emotion I should be feeling. Happy that my mom hasn't caught me sneaking out, or sad that she doesn't check on me to see if I'm still... well, breathing? Ah well. I'm 18 for goodness sakes. I walk further down the road and there is my spot. Right under the street light with a clear view of the moon and the stars.

I sit down and think about my friends Angie and Karla. We've been having problems lately. Angie no longer wants to go with me to a different country to reach for my dreams. While Karla is indecisive with whether she should still go or not. This of course left me heart broken. This plan was something I have been looking forward to, this is what kept me going. And now it's all kaput.

I look to my right and I see a cat crossing right in front of me. God I hate cats, I despise them. I wouldn't cringe at the thought of boiling kittens before me. I would probably be worried that their guts would get on my shoes, that's how much I hate them. I mean, I don't hate them to the extent that I would go around killing them for fun or torturing them and taking videos of them on you tube. I just, dislike them and don't give a damn if they become extinct. The cat passes and walks ever so slowly like she is awaiting a predator to come any minute. I cough and she notices me. She stops all together and just stares at me for a few seconds, and then continues walking to the other side of the road. It makes me think about how intelligent cats must be.

Did you know cats learn through trial and error, observing and imitating? They are actually pretty intelligent, second to dogs of course, but their ancestors ARE the tigers, so I guess they could be pretty bad ass too. I learned to like them a bit. I hate them 98.2% now. At least there is an improvement.

So I see the cat passing and I see it approach 2 cats by the trash can. The cat that walked passed me went in the trash can looking for food while the 2 cats waited by the trash can. It reminded me a lot of Angie and Karla. I try to put us together and fix us. And in the end, the cat finding food just got out of the trash can and sat by the 3 while one cat decided to walk away. The second cat tried to follow the first cat, but stopped in the middle of the road and came back to the cat that found the food. All this time, the analogy I made was that I was the cat that found food, Angie was the one that left, and Karla was the one that stopped in the middle of the road. I thought deeper and realized that I got it all wrong. I WAS THE CAT WHO LEFT. Not Angie. Angie was the one providing us reality. Karla was hesitant but gave in and ate as well.

While I, just left them. I left them, they didn't leave me. I have been so selfish, thinking only about myself and about MY dreams. I didn't think about theirs. I shouldn't force them to come with me when they didn't want to.

What would I do? Gag them both when the time comes and strap them down the plane? Certainly not. Leaving the country is MY dream, not theirs. Well it was once theirs, but I shouldn't force them into it as well. I just finished my 2nd stick. And for some reason, I wanted it to be 3 sticks for that night.

No matter what, even if my friends decide to stay in this shit land country, I would always be there for them whenever they need me. We'll always be the three amigos. I'll let go of the dream of being with them somewhere far away, but hold on to the dream of being best friends with them forever. I finished my last stick and walked back home.

Sharing the moon

I slept at around 4 in the morning watching skins knowing that I had to meet up with my group mates the next day to work on our midterm paper.

I alarmed my clock for 10:00 AM. Apparently, I turned it off while I was asleep. I tend to do that sometimes. I wake up to my cellphone ringing under my pillow. People tell me that it's bad to put it so close to my head because of the radiation but quite frankly, I don't give a damn and believe in that.

It was my friend Bea asking me what time I'm leaving for my friend's house, and I told her I was going to take a shower and that I just woke up. I kind of fell asleep afterwards and my phone rang a second time from my other friend asking me where I was. I panicked because it was already 11:15 AM and I hadn't showered or eaten yet. I grab my bath towel and take my time in the shower since I was already late, might as well do it thoroughly.

I come out of the bathroom and dress up. I come back down wearing my usual shirt and pants combo and then I see my dad. I run and hug him and kiss him on the cheek. I like the fact that my dad is really tall. It makes me feel like I will always be his little girl literally. For some reason, every time he sees that I am dressed before 12:00 PM he would ask me if I was going to school, and then I'd have to remind him that it was a Saturday.

Silly daddy. He's my step dad, but he loves me more than my real dad ever will. My mom comes home and tells me that she could drive me to my friend's house. She asks me what we were up to and then I accidentally told her that I woke up late and that my group mates were there already. She gave me a talk about responsibility. She tells me that I should take care of my responsibilities, responsibly. If there was a certain time that I am suppose to meet with someone, I have to be responsible enough to be there at the agreed time. And she tells me about the future and everything. This is why I hate car rides with mum. She tends to leave huge ass rocks on my back. Lots of pressure.

So I finally get out of the car and I'm there at my friend's house. When I got there we watched Cougar Town. We were waiting for our other group mate to come. We went down to eat Lunch. Spaghetti and meat balls. Yum. I had 2 servings, it was delicious. I like to smother my spaghetti with lots of Parmesan. When we were done we went back upstairs and began to work. I fell asleep. Our other group mate came too and then I worked for a bit.

But I fell asleep on the couch. I had been told they were yelling at me to wake up but it was like talking to a corpse. Might as well have been. I looked like a zombie, especially with my eye bags. Jesus. They let me sleep. I wake up and leave after awhile because I needed a lift to get to the mall because I was suppose to meet my sister to have a movie date with her. Unfortunately she couldn't make it but I decided to buy my usual at Taters. Regular sour cream with 3 shots of butter and 2 scoops of sour cream powder. Delicious. I know the people by name and they know me as well. I ask them how they are and order the usual.

I call Karla and Angie to see if they wanted to watch a movie or hang out. Sadly they are too busy doing school work. I miss them. I call my sister to ask her if she wanted anything from the mall and she mentioned she wanted Taters too. I come back and ask for some more. I am on my way home and for some reason had a strong urge to smoke. I go to the store to buy half a pack.

I walk home. I could have ridden something, but I enjoy walking. it helps me think. I get home and see that American Idol is on. I watch it with my sister. I'm on a diet and then I see that the food is chicken, my favorite food. I curse at my nanny, jokingly of course that she was trying to get me fat and that it's her fault why I am.

She just laughs at me anyway so what's the point from all that. I go up and lock myself in the room. I start watching funny youtube videos.

I am pretty worried because I had appeared very vulnerable to someone I really care about a night before. I was thinking that maybe he'd feel differently about me. I got stressed so I go out and bring 3 sticks with me. The wind was very cold. I was in my superman shirt and shorts.

I had tied my hair in a bun because the wind was starting to bother me. I take one cigarette out and try to light it. The wind was against me. I tried blocking it from the wind but it was no good. So I wait for it to stop and thats when I try to light it. I sit on the side walk and look up at the stars.

The stars are beautiful, there are just so many of them. So many constellations and planets. Whenever I smoke I like to blow the smoke in front of me because I like to watch it slowly fade away and think that it is being carried by the wind to a far away place. It makes me wonder if he's feeling cold too, feeling the same wind that I am.

I realized that every time that I blew the smoke in front of me, the smoke would go to a different direction. I got so frustrated, I tried to fight against nature, obviously I would lose but that didn't stop me from blowing harder to a different direction. Since I couldn't do it, i gave up and blew it towards the direction of the wind. It reminded me a lot about my life.

The wind is everyone else and what we should be doing. And no matter how hard I fight it, I can't go in a different direction, I need to do what everyone else is doing. I want to be different, I have dreams that are bigger than others.I can try blowing the smoke in the opposite direction, but then it would get all over my face. Everybody will keep getting you down, telling you that your dreams are too hard to accomplish. But that's none of their business, is it? I won't let them get me down.

Might as well not fight it.

I hate how far away he is from me.

I look at the stars again and see how the moon is glowing and lighting up the pavement, making the streets look beautiful and then I wonder if he could see the same thing I am seeing right now. The stars.

I smile to myself and realize that the world IS small.

I'd be on my way fulfilling my dreams sooner than I think.

I turn out the cigarette and throw it away.

Everything away, my frustrations, my doubts.

I walk back up the street slightly dizzy from the smoke.

With the moon following me on my way back home, knowing that it would keep him safe for me too.

Expectations equals Suffocation

Suffocation. Too much pressure. It needs to stop or I'm going to explode.

I need some air, I need space. Too many expectations, too many people sticking their noses in my business.

Backstabbing at it's finest. People could tell you things if they knew that you wouldn't know it was them. Couldn't they have told it to my face? Telling me that I'm some flirt when I know for a fact that I haven't been entertaining anyone. Girls, silly, shallow, stupid girls trying to get me down. I pity them.

The only way that could make them feel better about themselves is to point out qualities that are found in themselves. Kind of like that saying "It takes one to know one."

Mom, expecting me to graduate with high grades.

Dad, excepting me to still be on the softball team.

Nanny, expecting me to do the projects of my baby brother.

Sisters, expecting me not to turn out to be like them. I have 2 older sisters, one of which had gotten pregnant and the other, let's just say has a lot of issues.

Mom expecting me to take care of my baby sister and be a good example.

Too much. I'm suffocating. That's the worst feeling in the world. You don't know where to go. You don't know whether you should just take that leap or stand on the edge a little bit longer.

No more. I can't do this. This has got to stop. I'm too tired to think about this. I am ashamed of myself for letting the things that people think about me get to me when I know it isn't true.

It hurts. I need to deal with this whether I like it or not.

The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Sweeney Todd is one of my favorite movies of all time because first of all, Johnny Depp is in the film. Second, the music that are in the film are very catchy. Third, Johnny Depp is the lead in that movie. Fourth, I love all Tim Burton films, I am very into gory films. Fifth. Hmm. Did I say Johnny Depp was playing Sweeney Todd? :-)

The songs are very catchy, especially the one in this picture. By the sea, sang by Mrs. Lovett. She is telling him of the life they will have together once he's killed the man who killed his wife and took his daughter away from him. I love the setting as well, the old London. I wonder what it was like to live during those days? It must have been very stressful. Fearing for your life all the time. Having to wear those long poofy dresses. Well I highly recommend watching the film. It's very interesting.

If you throw up at the sight of blood, I suggest you don't.