Expectations equals Suffocation

Suffocation. Too much pressure. It needs to stop or I'm going to explode.

I need some air, I need space. Too many expectations, too many people sticking their noses in my business.

Backstabbing at it's finest. People could tell you things if they knew that you wouldn't know it was them. Couldn't they have told it to my face? Telling me that I'm some flirt when I know for a fact that I haven't been entertaining anyone. Girls, silly, shallow, stupid girls trying to get me down. I pity them.

The only way that could make them feel better about themselves is to point out qualities that are found in themselves. Kind of like that saying "It takes one to know one."

Mom, expecting me to graduate with high grades.

Dad, excepting me to still be on the softball team.

Nanny, expecting me to do the projects of my baby brother.

Sisters, expecting me not to turn out to be like them. I have 2 older sisters, one of which had gotten pregnant and the other, let's just say has a lot of issues.

Mom expecting me to take care of my baby sister and be a good example.

Too much. I'm suffocating. That's the worst feeling in the world. You don't know where to go. You don't know whether you should just take that leap or stand on the edge a little bit longer.

No more. I can't do this. This has got to stop. I'm too tired to think about this. I am ashamed of myself for letting the things that people think about me get to me when I know it isn't true.

It hurts. I need to deal with this whether I like it or not.

The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Sweeney Todd is one of my favorite movies of all time because first of all, Johnny Depp is in the film. Second, the music that are in the film are very catchy. Third, Johnny Depp is the lead in that movie. Fourth, I love all Tim Burton films, I am very into gory films. Fifth. Hmm. Did I say Johnny Depp was playing Sweeney Todd? :-)

The songs are very catchy, especially the one in this picture. By the sea, sang by Mrs. Lovett. She is telling him of the life they will have together once he's killed the man who killed his wife and took his daughter away from him. I love the setting as well, the old London. I wonder what it was like to live during those days? It must have been very stressful. Fearing for your life all the time. Having to wear those long poofy dresses. Well I highly recommend watching the film. It's very interesting.

If you throw up at the sight of blood, I suggest you don't.

Facebook safety

Back when I was in primary school, we had Myspace and Friendster. Myspace focused more on music, while Friendster focused on "testimonials" Next came Multiply that focused on picture sharing. Twitter only gives out status updates on what you're doing from day to day.

Out of all of the social network sites, I think Facebook is very convenient! You are able to get in contact with old mates, you're able to share photos and not have to go through each picture one at a time to see in which pictures you are. You let people know what you are doing.

Of course you have all these advantages, but then when you think about it, Facebook is a very unsafe social network site. It allows people from your past to stalk you.

People would know exactly where you are, where you live, what your email addresses are, what your relationship status is, pictures that you've been tagged in as well.

But... meh. I shouldn't really complain. Through Facebook, I get to see hot men from all angles. Hahaha!

What I do hate about Facebook is that, it's so popular that even our own parents have an account. You can't post things freely without being questioned and you just HAVE to add them even if you don't want to because then they'd think you are hiding something.

Regardless, I don't add my dad, he'd probably make me delete my whole account.

But other than that, Facebook really is a very dangerous social networking site and we shouldn't just post things carelessly on there. Because even though you only add the people you know, You must not forget, that these people have friends who go to their houses or lend each other their accounts and probably would check out your Facebook and see things that only your friends are meant to see

Facebook is the national website of all stalkers.

Just be careful with what you post and you'll be just fine. :-)

Cupcakes vs. Softball

Imagine a land where everything was made out of cupcakes. All the flavors that you could think of are there, the scent of vanilla lingering around the room.

Cupcakes start marching down the raisin cupcake road moving towards you. And just when you are about to hug them and bite their freaking heads off, they shake you violently.

So violently that your teeth start to chatter.

And suddenly, I find myself in my room being shaken awake by my mother as her screams echo around the room. I couldn't really concentrate on what she was saying, I rubbed my eyes again and again so I would be able to see her more clearly.

I wish I hadn't done that, now I could actually see how pissed she was.

She was getting angry at me because I hadn't been going to softball practice.

Of course, I didn't know she'd actually find out about it.

It's just that it gets very tiring, especially when practice is usually from 5 in the afternoon till 8, sometimes 9 in the evening. She asked me if I had a game today and I said, I don't know.

I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying.

I check my phone and see that it was 7:30 in the morning, and then I think, no wonder my mom is always so stressed, she wakes up too early.

She then puts matters into her own hands and calls my team mate who had been honest with my mom and told her that we had a game today. The traitor.

So there I was being pushed around and screamed at by my mother.

I don't even remember the cold shower, or the taste of the bacon I consumed for breakfast.

I just knew one minute I was in cupcake land, and the next I was on a bus going to school.

I had to ride another bus to get to the school the game was held and thankfully, when I got there, I was right on time.

It was very awkward because they were all asking me why I haven't been going to practice and I'd be all, "Oh, I've got too much homework." Lies.

They aren't that much for me to miss practice. It was a good game but we lost, I lost something else too, which was my voice.

I was cheering like a mad woman, hoping to ease the guilt of not being able to support them in the past games.

It made me feel so bad because my team mates work so hard to get in the team and yet I take advantage of it. I realized how much I actually enjoy being in the team.

I enjoy the company of my team mates. I enjoy batting and seeing it fly to the outfield, feeling proud of myself that no one was able to catch it.

When I saw how much my team gave their all in the games, it made me realize how much I wanted to be WITH them, playing with them against the other schools.

I realized how much I actually wanted it to happen.

So when I left that school, I realized how much my team actually really means to me.

The moments we have after winning a game, the moments when we'd just laugh and joke around because of some inside joke.

The friends I've made and the comradeship and that bond that was formed as well.

I love my team mates, I love my coaches, and most importantly,

I love softball.

It's time that I get my act together and improve on my softball skills to make my dad and my grandfather proud.

Music Murder

All of us have different tastes when it comes to music. Other people prefer rock music rather than the classics. Others like metal, country, some even techno.

But there are certain people that, don't exactly have a favorite genre or song for that matter, but just go with what's "in" right now.

Yeah... I hate that.

Especially when you've been listening to it for years, and suddenly, a movie comes out which has it in that soundtrack, and suddenly, friends of yours that have been dissing the music you listen to in the past start listening to the God damn song.

How irritating.

Like this song for example. Please. Please. Please. Let me get what I want.

It's an English band called the Smiths.

They formed together in 1982 and have other songs that are just as beautiful as the one featured in the the movie, 500 days of summer.

But people don't listen to the others, because they aren't "in".

It aggravates me to no end, especially when they play it again and again and again.

Until, yup, that's right. THEY KILL IT. Music? MURDERED.

They should make that illegal. It would make the world a better place.

I promise. Hell, I should be PRESIDENT.

Nope, not of my country, the Philippines, it has no hope. It's a sinking... raft. Not even! A piece of wood floating towards the Bermuda triangle. It's that horrible.

I can't really kick out Obama, you know, he's a good guy.

The queen would probably get very upset if I took over her throne. I mean, she's a Jurassic, she might drop dead on the floor when I tell her I'm taking over.

I can't take over Russia, you know, the language barrier and all.

What the fuck am I talking about? I'm suppose to be talking about music.

Sorry, word vomit.

Okay, right.. well.. music.

People please don't kill the classics. Don't kill The Smiths. That's all I ask. Or else I'm gonna have to take you down to court.

Random acts of Kindness

So you're walking down the street and some random stranger taps your shoulder and tells you that your one of the most good looking people they had ever seen.

Wouldn't that just about make your day?

I'm sure it would make mine if someone would say that even though I'd deny it, it's still nice to hear compliments from a complete stranger.

Wouldn't the world be such a better place if everyone was just more honest and more kind to everyone else?

When you're in a train station and you see someone you don't know wearing a nice shirt, you'd say to yourself "what a nice shirt" or you'd tell your friends how much you like it.

What do your friends care? They'd forget about it 10 seconds after you said it.

If you keep it to yourself, you'll most likely forget as well.

But if you told that stranger how much you liked their shirt, they wouldn't forget.

It would make them smile the whole train ride. A compliment goes a long way.

For all you know, this person was having a bad day, and he'd think that you were that angel that made it all better.

For all you know, he could have been planning to commit suicide that night,

you could be responsible for his life being spared just because of such a teensy weensy compliment. Why don't we do that?

Is it because of what has been taught to us since we were young?

"Don't talk to strangers?"

I assure you, the people we actually know and keep close are those who are more of a danger to us.

Spread the love,

turn that random stranger's day upside down, make their day.

And you'll see, it would be worth it when you see them smile. :-)

Neverland

When I was a kid, I'd watch the Disney movie Peter Pan over and over again.

I loved how Wendy could easily fly just so long as she had faith, trust, and a bit of pixie dust.

I loved that she had been able to meet the lost boys and she was able to take care of them.

I even had a crush on Peter Pan when I was younger.

Captain Hook would always crack me up, the alligator that would always be after him whenever he was near the ocean. But why did it appeal to me so much?

Why does the thought of having a Neverland, make me want to buy the next plane tickets to get there if it existed? The idea of having a Neverland would be amazing to me,

because there, I wouldn't have to grow up.

I wouldn't have to think of the responsibilities that I have to take care of, I don't have to worry about aging, I don't have to worry about getting to places, all I have to do is fly from one place to another. A place where everyday would be an adventure. Why can't I be like that in THIS land? This world?

Is it because we are so influenced by the media to do what they think is appropriate?

Have we been making our own stupid rules such as not allowing ourselves to make that first move and ask a man that you like to go on a date with you?

When you're alone walking down the street and you remember something funny that happened yesterday, do you allow yourself to laugh? Of course not.

It's because we're all afraid of what other people would think if we did laugh out loud by ourselves. What people would think if a girl asked a guy out?

We MAKE our own Neverland.

I could get out of this house, and be free from all the stress that comes with being in a family like mine. I could leave right now with my head held high and my pride intact. But I won't do that.

I don't mean Neverland literally like the one in the story books, but a state of mind where I do everything I want without worrying about what other people would say.

A stress free life where I don't have to worry about work or having to grow up.

I did realize this.

Neverland will always be there for me to go to whenever I want.

It doesn't have to be now, not when my family needs me to grow up. Not when I have duties

to fulfill. Neverland is a place where you can think about yourself, a place where

YOU can have fun, where YOU can have adventures.

There's plenty of time for that in the future. But for now.

All I can do is dream of going there. It reminds me of a book I read called the Alchemist. My favorite book of all time. A character there had always wanted to go to Mecca. You see, for a muslim to have a fulfilling life, he needs to go through a pilgrimage to get to Mecca, their holy land. He owns a crystal shop, and has all the money he needs to get there.

But he decides not to go because, he thinks that after he has fulfilled hisdream of going to Mecca,

he wouldn't be able to dream about getting there anymore.

There would be nothing else to live for, to get anticipated about.

Should I be like that man?

Just dream of Neverland, and never actually do it?

We have to be careful sometimes too, because a lot of people have actually gone to Neverland, but never came back to the real world.

I just wish MY Peter Pan whisks me away soon.

It's like this.

My thinking cap is on

What is a thinking cap? In July 1987 from the Kenosha times in Wisconsin had written,

"This tendency is a very good thing as the safeguard of our independence from the control of foreign power, and it obliges every man to keep his thinking cap on."

It's basically telling us to always think before you do anything or decide to do anything.

I never really have the time to do shit like this.

I'm usually either at school or I'm out with my friends.

Well not really the latter, I'm HARDLY out with my friends.

My mother is like, the spawn of Hitler.

Not the attribute of wanting to abolish the whole Jewish community,

but just the controlling bit. Sometimes I don't get where she's coming from.

I'm not exactly the kind of daughter that one would call "rebellious"

The opposite actually, I do EVERYTHING my mother tells me to do.

It's sad really. Pathetic. Anyway, enough about my mother, there's more time for that later.

So I wake up around 11 in the morning and am too lazy to get up and do shit.

I did have to kick myself out of bed to go and brush my teeth.

But then afterwards, crawled right back into the haven that is my bed.

There was too much going on inside my head.

About the future, about my family, my friends, everything.

I do most of my thinking right before I sleep for some reason.

So anyway, my mother expects so much from me because I am

the only one that turned out right out of all of my other siblings.

The sad thing is that I am also the least favorite of my mother,

seeing that I am the middle child.

But I don't really like to think about that, it only gets you depressed if you do.

It's suffocating me that there are so many people that are counting on me.

I need to get high grades, I need to go to softball practice,

I need to be a good example to my younger sister and brother,

I need to help my mom after I graduate and work straight away.

Not only is the stress coming from family, but also school is giving me a hard time.

Too much homework. I don't get why they do that.

I'm in school to learn THERE and not have to do it at home.

Sometimes my teachers don't teach well, which sucks because then

I'd have a hard time later on when I'm already working.

My friends are always going out and partying.

Every week, they would always have something going on.

And that puts a lot of pressure on my shoulders too because, my mom

doesn't allow me to go out with them and that frustrates me a whole lot more.

Imagine living in one of those hamster balls.

It gets filled up with water quickly. Even if you do run, you can't escape the water.

It's still going to be there.

In the end when it's almost filled up to the brim so obviously,

there isn't any room to breathe anymore, you die.

That is exactly how I feel right now, only the water is on shoulder level.

I just want to leave the house ,go on a wild adventure,

have unlimited cash and do whatever the hell I want.

Not do what people expect me to do.

So many unrealistic dreams that are never gonna happen.

Like my mom always says "get your head out of the clouds",

maybe she is right. Maybe its time that I do grow up.

I realized that I am in the hamster ball, and no matter where I run,

and how hard I try to escape,

that water is still going to be in the same level that it had been

before I had even started running.

I can't run away from my problems.

I'm just gonna have to face them

.....and remember not to forget to keep my thinking cap on.