My thinking cap is on

What is a thinking cap? In July 1987 from the Kenosha times in Wisconsin had written,

"This tendency is a very good thing as the safeguard of our independence from the control of foreign power, and it obliges every man to keep his thinking cap on."

It's basically telling us to always think before you do anything or decide to do anything.

I never really have the time to do shit like this.

I'm usually either at school or I'm out with my friends.

Well not really the latter, I'm HARDLY out with my friends.

My mother is like, the spawn of Hitler.

Not the attribute of wanting to abolish the whole Jewish community,

but just the controlling bit. Sometimes I don't get where she's coming from.

I'm not exactly the kind of daughter that one would call "rebellious"

The opposite actually, I do EVERYTHING my mother tells me to do.

It's sad really. Pathetic. Anyway, enough about my mother, there's more time for that later.

So I wake up around 11 in the morning and am too lazy to get up and do shit.

I did have to kick myself out of bed to go and brush my teeth.

But then afterwards, crawled right back into the haven that is my bed.

There was too much going on inside my head.

About the future, about my family, my friends, everything.

I do most of my thinking right before I sleep for some reason.

So anyway, my mother expects so much from me because I am

the only one that turned out right out of all of my other siblings.

The sad thing is that I am also the least favorite of my mother,

seeing that I am the middle child.

But I don't really like to think about that, it only gets you depressed if you do.

It's suffocating me that there are so many people that are counting on me.

I need to get high grades, I need to go to softball practice,

I need to be a good example to my younger sister and brother,

I need to help my mom after I graduate and work straight away.

Not only is the stress coming from family, but also school is giving me a hard time.

Too much homework. I don't get why they do that.

I'm in school to learn THERE and not have to do it at home.

Sometimes my teachers don't teach well, which sucks because then

I'd have a hard time later on when I'm already working.

My friends are always going out and partying.

Every week, they would always have something going on.

And that puts a lot of pressure on my shoulders too because, my mom

doesn't allow me to go out with them and that frustrates me a whole lot more.

Imagine living in one of those hamster balls.

It gets filled up with water quickly. Even if you do run, you can't escape the water.

It's still going to be there.

In the end when it's almost filled up to the brim so obviously,

there isn't any room to breathe anymore, you die.

That is exactly how I feel right now, only the water is on shoulder level.

I just want to leave the house ,go on a wild adventure,

have unlimited cash and do whatever the hell I want.

Not do what people expect me to do.

So many unrealistic dreams that are never gonna happen.

Like my mom always says "get your head out of the clouds",

maybe she is right. Maybe its time that I do grow up.

I realized that I am in the hamster ball, and no matter where I run,

and how hard I try to escape,

that water is still going to be in the same level that it had been

before I had even started running.

I can't run away from my problems.

I'm just gonna have to face them

.....and remember not to forget to keep my thinking cap on.